


Persona 5 - Short Stories & Shitposts

by CutesyWOOT



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Comedy, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-12 16:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15343734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CutesyWOOT/pseuds/CutesyWOOT
Summary: A bunch of short stories and shitposts of Persona 5 and its characters.





	1. Don't Touch Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did some editing to every chapter so that "Akira" is now "Ren" as well as some minor, inconsequential edits to how things are phrased.

_ Saturday, June 25th, 20XX _

_ After Kaneshiro’s Palace _

 

Iwai came back out from behind the curtain, looking out at the front of the store. Ren was there, as he was every few weeks or so, looking around. As Iwai sat down, Ren walked up to the front desk.

“Need somethin’?” Iwai asked gruffly.

“Yeah,” Ren responded, “I got some stuff to sell.”

“Better not be something weird,” Iwai commented. He knew from the last times that Ren was over that his wish would not be granted.

 

Ren put the first few items on the table; a few wallets. They seemed to be damaged in some way and didn’t appear to have any money in them. After some hesitation, Iwai got to work.

“Uhh, three of these?” Iwai asked, more to himself than to Ren, so he could calculate the price he’d buy them for. “I guess, let’s say, ¥840.” Iwai took the wallets and put them in a drawer along with the other weird stuff Ren tried to sell him. Iwai’s friends had all started to believe he made Ren up to explain having all those things.

 

Ren then reached back into his bag, resisted the urge to pet Morgana, and pulled out 7 office calculators, all of which, Iwai had noticed, were in perfect working condition.

“I don’t need these badboys; I do all my math,” Ren gestured at his head. “Up here.”

“Where’d you find these?” Iwai asked.

“Umm... A normal place,” Ren said, looking around nervously. “The calculator store.”

“So,” Iwai quizzed, “you bought these calculators, that you didn’t need, then you decided to sell them to me, probably for a lot less than you bought them for.”

Ren had nothing to say. Iwai took one of the calculators from the pile and figured it’d be useful to gauge the prices of the other things in Ren’s bag of goods.

“Sometimes I’m not even sure why you sell these things to me,” Iwai commented.

“Well, the bathroom is for customers only,” Ren replied.

“We don’t have a bathroom,” Iwai clarified.

They looked at each other for a few seconds.

“¥3,640 for the calculators,” Iwai said, “final offer.”

 

As the transaction transpired, the trickster grabbed a few more goodies from his magic bag of tricks, taking out an small empty briefcase, a bunch of rare coins, and what appeared to be the lock to a safe.

“Hmm.” Iwai grumbled.

“Yeah?” Ren asked.

“Did you happen to rob any banks recently?”

Again, Ren didn’t have anything to say. He knew it was a yes or no question but he didn’t know which answer was correct.

Ren went with “I didn’t not.”

“Oh my god,” Iwai said, going back through his wallet. “Here, I’ll just give you ¥5,000 for all of that, okay? I’ve seen enough of you for the next few weeks.”

Ren left Untouchable with his bag, having made nearly 10K in that exchange which he was most likely going to spend on a prostitute.

 

_ Wednesday, September 28th, 20XX _

_ After Okumara’s Palace _

 

Ren walked into the shop once again, bag looking heavy. Iwai didn’t want to have to deal with him, but it was looking like he had to.

“Hey, you in the back,” Iwai shouted to a customer who was looking around, “you need anything? Gun? Weird looking knife?”

“Nah,” the customer said back, “I’m good. I’m just looking around.”

“I have some stuff to sell,” Ren shouted excitedly.

“Oh good.”

“So,” Ren said, as he dropped a bag on the table. He opened the bag and showed Iwai a collection of robot arms, broken telescopes, circuit boards, and what looked like pieces of a spaceship. “How much for this baby?”

“If I give you fifteen thousand for all of it, will you tell me where you got it?”

“No.” Ren firmly answered.

“Okay, twelve thousand,” Iwai said, “final offer.”

“Cool cool,” Ren said, sliding the bag over as Iwai handed him ¥12,000 in cash.

“But if I had to guess where you got robot arms and spaceship parts,” Iwai continued, “I’d say you time traveled to the future and then robbed a bank.”

“Hah,” Ren laughed, “you didn’t get it right that time.”

 

“Are you actually going to buy anything this time?” Iwai asked doubtedly.

“Ugh, yeah, actually,” Ren said, “Do you have any battle axes?”

“Yeah,” Iwai said, surprised, “I actually do.”

“Okay, I want your best battle axe.”

“It’d probably be the Bardiche,” Iwai said as he went to the back. A few seconds later he came back out holding a large battle axe. “This’ll be ¥28,800.”

“What if we trade?” Ren asked, putting his own, very similar battle axe on the table. “Found this badboy but I was looking for an upgrade.”

“Where did you get that?” Iwai asked.

“I just told you,” Ren said, “I found it.”

Iwai sighed. “Throw in an additional ¥9,000 and it’s a deal.”

 

“Oh, and one more thing,” Ren added, taking Morgana out of the bag, “You want this stupid fucking cat?”

Iwai simply looked at Ren.

 

_ Saturday, December 24th, 20XX _

_ Christmas Eve - Day of Reckoning _

 

Ren walked into Untouchable, looking gloomy.

“Hey Iwai,” he said, “how are you doing?”

“Well my son asked me if I want to spend Christmas with him so I’m--”

“Yeah I don’t care,” Ren said, “I got some stuff to sell.”

Ren pulled out what looked like a lightsaber.

“Didn’t you buy this from me about six weeks ago?”

“Yeah, but I don’t need it anymore. The person I bought it for is dead to me now, so I don’t need it,” Ren said, “he’s also just dead in general.”

“Okay. I’ll give ¥10,000 for it.”

“Deal,” Ren said, as Iwai handed him the money.

 

“Anything else?” Iwai asked.

“Okay, next item on the list, how much for some liquid mercury?”

Iwai stared at Ren for a second. “What?”

“How much money for,” Ren pulled out a grey container full of liquid mercury, “this?”

Iwai sat there for a second and looked at the container. “What the actual fuck?”

“I’ll take that as a no,” Ren said as he put the container back in the bag, picked up the bag, and walked out of Untouchable.

Iwai once again sat and waited with his mouth agape, wondering what just happened.


	2. Get Smoked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira gets hats for everybody.

_ Tuesday, December 13th, 20XX _

 

“Fuck!” Shinya exclaimed angrily at the arcade machine in front of him. “Fuck this!”

“Do you wanna quit?” Ren asked, knowing it was a dumb question.

“Of course not!” Shinya shouted.

“Actually,” Ren said, looking at his watch, “I think we should. It’s getting pretty late.”

“You leaving?” Shinya asked, disappointed, “Okay, fine. See you around!”

As Ren walked towards the door of the arcade, he turned around and said “Oh, by the way, where did you get that hat?”

“I dunno,” Shinya shrugged, “My mom gave it to me.”

“Cool,” Ren said in a kind of hasty tone, “I’ll go talk to your mom then.”

 

_ Wednesday, December 14th, 20XX _

 

Ren walked down the stairs of Leblanc to greet Sojiro; the fact that everyone thinks he’s dead not stopping his good vibes.

“Hey Sojiro,” Ren said excitedly, “guess what day it is!”

“W--”

“It’s hat day!” Ren exclaimed as he grabbed a Get Smoked hat from his bag and flopped it onto Sojiro’s head.

Sojiro took the hat off and inspected it. He really didn’t approve of Ren’s lifestyle nor his relationship with Futaba, but there wasn’t much he could do about this.

Ren headed out the door of the cafe and into the world.

“What’s going on Futaba?”

“Nothing much,” she said, and Ren confirmed to himself that she indeed wasn’t really doing anything.

“You know what day it is?”

“It’s hat day!” Ren shouted as he handed Futaba her Get Smoked hat. She looked at it for a second, curiously, and smiled.

“Thank you for this,” she said. “Really, thank you. I will cherish this forever.”

“It’s no problem.”

“You don’t understand,” Futaba said, “this is the greatest gift anyone’s ever given me.”

“Oookay,” Ren attempted to relieve the awkwardness, “I’m just gonna-- are you crying?”

Indeed Futaba was, weeping tears of joy at this hat. “It’s beautiful.”

 

_ Later, Shibuya Arcade _

 

“Ryuji!” Ren shouted as he came through the door. “Guess what day it is!”

“Will this involve any demonic sacrifices like the last weird holiday you had?”

“No!” Ren answered.

“Cool,” Ryuji said, “What’cha got there?”

Ren flipped Ryuji’s hat onto him. “You now have a hat.”

“Nice,” Ryuji said, and went back to his loitering. Their conversations usually didn’t ever last longer than that. Ren left the arcade and headed straight for the Underground Mall.

 

After a nice bit of walking, Ren arrived at the collection of oddly-named stores.

“Yo Ann,” he said, casually.

“Oh, hey,” Ann greeted.

“Looking for hats?” Ren asked with a smirk.

“Well I mean I wasn--”

“Now you are!” Ren threw the hat at Ann and she barely caught it.

“Get smoked?” She asked.

“Ye.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means ‘Get smoked,’” Ren explained, helpfully. He then walked away.

 

A few minutes later he got to the Underground Mall and greeted Yusuke.

“What is going on Yusuke?” Ren asked.

“I’m looking for new subjects for possible future paintings.”

“Yeah,” Ren mumbled, “because Ann worked out so well.”

“What’s that?” Yusuke asked.

“I said ‘want a free hat?’” Ren lied as he put a hat on Yusuke.

“Thank you,” Yusuke said politely.

 

_ Later, Aoyama-Itchome _

 

“Psst!” Ren said, startling his teacher.

“Christ, Ren,” Kawakami exclaimed. “What if somebody sees you? And how did you get into the school; you’re supposed to be dead?!”

“Free hat,” Ren said, putting a hat on the teacher.

“Why?” Kawakami asked.

“Hat day,” Ren put simply.

 

Ren ran out of the empty classroom and made a dash for Makoto walking through the halls. He swung a hat onto her head and shouted “Hat day!” He then ran up to the rooftops and greeted Haru.

“Hey,” Ren said.

“Oh, hello Ren,” Haru replied with a smile.

“You want a free hat to cover up that disgusting forehead?”

“What?” Haru asked.

“Hat day!” Ren screamed as he put a hat on the girl and ran away.

_ Later, Shibuya Station Square _

 

Yoshida was attempting to gather people to listen to his speech, but it wasn’t working, as Ren noted. He decided that Yoshida might have more success if he--

“Hat day!” Ren shouted as he put a hat on Yoshida and ran away.

 

_ Later, Shinjuku Red-Light District _

 

Chihaya didn’t say a word as Ren threw a Get Smoked hat onto her.

“You know what?” Ren said, “I don’t think that’s a good fit for you.”

Ren put the Get Smoked hat back in his bag and removed a giant purple top-hat to replace it atop Chihaya’s head as she sat there in her adorable rage.

 

_ Later, Crossroads Bar _

 

“Hey Ohya!” Ren said.

“Yeah?” Ohya greeted quite drunkenly.

“Free hat;” Ren said, giving Ohya the hat, “hat day.”

“Thank you. It’ll be good if I ever need to puke into it,” Ohya said, followed by seemingly indefinite laughter at her own joke.

Ren left, slightly concerned.

 

_ Later, Kanda Church _

 

Ren said nothing at all.

Hifumi simply said “thank you” as she didn’t look up from her notebook, the hat now atop her head. She knew Ren too well.

Ren then walked out of the church, his reputation there becoming even wilder.

 

_ Later, Shibuya Central Street _

 

Sae was a very busy businesswoman, she didn’t expect to be stopped on her way to a meeting. However, she was. Ren tapped her on the shoulder.

“What?!” Sae snapped.

“Hat day!” Ren exclaimed as he put the hat on Sae.

Then Ren ran away before she yelled at him, hiding in a nearby back alley near the Airsoft Shop and the Velvet Room.

“Oh, hey, Caroline,” Ren said to the small aggressive girl, “want a free hat?”

“What? No,” Caroline said before having two hats thrown at her.

“Give one to Justine as well.”

Ren walked over to the door of Untouchable and peered inside. He figured Iwai didn’t need a free hat, since he already had one. He was also deathly afraid of what Iwai would do to him, so he left.

 

_ Later, Takemi Medical Clinic _

 

“Good evening,” Takemi greeted.

“Hey Tae,” Ren said, “Guess what day it is!”

“I told you, I prefer to be called by my family name,” Takemi explained, “and no.”

“It’s hat day, here’s a free hat!” Ren slammed the hat onto the doctor.

“Sometimes I don’t know why I hang out with you.”

“Me neither.”

 

_ Later, Akihabara Town _

 

“‘Sup, Mishima?” Ren asked, and raised his hand for a high-five.

“Huh?” Mishima reacted at first, not used to being recognized, let alone offered a high-five. “Nothing much.”

“Want a free hat?” Ren asked. “It’s hat day.”

“Sure!” Mishima answered, putting the hat on himself.

“Hold on, Mishima, I have to go do something,” Ren said as he walked off into the night.

Ren opened the door to the nearby Arcade, saw Shinya there, and realized he already had a hat so there wasn’t any reason to talk to him.

“Hey Shinya,” he shouted, “I fucked your mom!”

Shinya turned around and frowned. A few seconds later, Ren ran off.

 

_ Later, Leblanc Cafe Attic _

 

“Hey Akechi!” Ren shouted to the empty room.

After a few moments, nothing happened.

After a few more moments you impatient twat, the ghost of Goro Akechi walked out of the wall to Ren’s room. “Yes?” the ghost asked, “I’m quite busy.”

“Free hat;” Ren said in a flat tone of voice as he put the hat on the ghost, “Hat day.”

“That’s cool,” Akechi responded, before phasing back into the wall.

Ren headed towards his bed, but the ghost came back.

“One more thing,” Akechi added, “I’m truly sorry for betraying you. If there’s anything else I can do to make it up to you, just let me know and I’ll do it.”

“Apology not accepted, Akechi.”

“Okay,” Akechi said, then headed back.

Ren walked over to his bed where Morgana sat patiently.

“Where’ve you been all day?” Morgana asked. Ren responded by flopping a hat on him.

 

“Shut up, Morgana.”


	3. How Does Cognition Work Again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akechi has a question.

_ Wednesday, November 2nd, 20XX _

_ During Sae Niijima’s Palace _

 

The Phantom Thieves walked through the secret back entrance to the casino.

“Alright,” Joker said, “We’re gonna go through that vent there, take the elevator, and hope that it leads somewhere useful. Anyone got any questions?”

“Yeah, actually,” Crow said, “can somebody re-explain how this cognition thing works?”

“Basically, people have inner palaces inside their head,” Mona began to explain, “and everything inside is how that person sees that thing in the real world.”

“Would this affect a real person who goes into the metaverse?” Crow asked. “So, like, if the palace owner thought that somebody liked bread, when they went into the palace, would they start craving bread?”

“That’s a weird example,” Mona said, “but I think it’s something like that. When we infiltrate the palace of a tall, mean PE teacher, everyone felt a bit shorter for some reason.”

“Okay,” Crow said, “I figured it was something along those lines, because ever since I entered Niijima-san’s palace, my penis has felt just a little bit bigger.”

 

The room’s mood instantly went down. Everybody started to walk away.

“God damnit, Crow,” Joker sighed.


	4. Hallowhat the fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ann gets into the Halloween spirit.

_ Monday, October 31st, 20XX _

_ Halloween _

 

Ryuji wandered around Shinjuku, looking for Ann, who’d texted him about 15 minutes prior, asking him to meet her in the Red Light District, but she wasn’t there. Ryuji looked back to his phone to verify that that’s what Ann said, for about the fourth time. It was unlike her to--

“Boo!” Ann shouted as she jumped out of a nearby trash can.

Ryuji screamed very femininely as he jumped back. He noticed Ann was wearing her Phantom Thief Cat Mask, but not the rest of her costume.

“Scared?” Ann asked cockily.

“Dude, what the hell was that?!” Ryuji shouted.

“It’s Halloween,” Ann answered, “I made this mask to scare you.”

“That’s kind of a dick move considering you’re the only one who celebrates Halloween.”

“Well great,” Ann said, “now I feel stupid.”

 

Ryuji sighed. “We all do, Ann, we all do.”


	5. Let's Rest Until the Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira walks through a door for 5 hours.

_ Monday, August 15th, 20XX _

_ Sometime after Futaba’s Palace _

 

Ren didn’t have much to do. It was a rainy day and nobody wanted to hang out.  He decided to sleep in Leblanc until the end of the day.

“Yeah, Morgana, I think I’m just gonna go back in the cafe.”

“Okay,” Morgana said, “you gonna rest until the evening?”

“Yeah,” Ren replied.

“Well, it’s pretty early,” Morgana commented, “so you’ll be able to get your rest.”

He opened the door to the cafe and walked in.

“Ah,” Sojiro said, “you’re back.”

“Yeah, I just...” Ren trailed off, confused. He looked outside. “Is it nighttime already?”

“Of course,” Sojiro answered.

Ren stood there for a minute. “what the fuck”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sure if this joke will land with most people.
> 
> Basically I'm just making fun of the fact that, even when you rest until the evening, the animation shows you walking through the door of Leblanc when the evening block starts.


	6. Classic Ryuji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryuji has two dates on the same night.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit fuck oh god.

These were some of Ryuji’s thoughts as he realized what he had done. Ryuji had gotten texts from both Ann and Haru asking if he wanted to come over to their respective houses for Valentine's Day. In a state of excitement and somewhat panic, he answered “yes” to both text messages, to which both girls seemed to be excited.

In other words, Ryuji had two dates on the same night.

 

Not just any night, too, Valentine’s Day night. As in, the same night as today. And they weren’t just any girls either, these were his closest friends, people he couldn’t let down. He was beginning to get that overwhelming panic feeling. You know, the one that makes you want to die. He decided the best course of action was to ask Ren for help.

 

_ Message: Ren Amimaya _

_ Chat ID: 4088-4771 _

 

**Ryuji:** Dude you gotta help me. I have two dates with two different girls in like an hour.

**Ren:** can’t talk rn; getting pussy

**Ryuji:** Okay

**Ryuji:** wait who

**Ryuji:** who?

**Ryuji:** Ren

**Ryuji:** Ren what

**Ryuji:** Ren what the fuck

 

Ren wasn’t being very helpful. Obviously he couldn’t ask Ann or Haru, and Yusuke probably wouldn’t have very good romantic advice, nor would Morgana or Mishima. He decided the next best thing was to ask Makoto.

 

_ Message: Makoto Niijima _

_ Chat ID: 2669-5040 _

 

**Ryuji:** Makoto, help me, I have two dates on the same night

**Makoto:** that is exactly the type of thing you would do

**Ryuji:** Seriously though what should I do

**Ryuji:** Makoto?

**Makoto:** I’m sorry, I’m just too busy laughing

**Ryuji:** THIS IS SERIOUS

**Makoto:** Well, just go with whichever one makes you happier idk

**Ryuji:** okay I have an idea of what to do

**Makoto:** shoot.

**Ryuji:** do you think I could convince them to have a threesome?

**Makoto:** depends on who you’re trying to convince

**Ryuji:** It’s..... Ann and Haru.

**Makoto:** Ooh, can I join?

**Ryuji:** No.

**Makoto:** :(

 

Ryuji wasn’t getting that much good advice from Makoto either. That left only one other person to ask for advice in this dire situation.

 

_ Message: Futaba Sakura _

_ Chat ID: 1161-9850 _

 

**Ryuji:** Futaba, I need your advice. I have two dates on the same night.

**Futaba:** id like to help but i can’t rn; getting dick

**Ryuji:** goddamnit

 

That wasn’t going to get him anywhere. There was no other option besides handling the situation himself. He couldn’t just invite the girls out on a date in the same place and prevent them from running into each other. That would be too sitcom-y. He decided to tell them both that he made a mistake and that he couldn’t go out with either of them.

 

_ Message: Ann Takamaki, Haru Okumura _

_ Group Chat ID: 5531-8008 _

 

**Ryuji:** I’m sorry to both of you. Both of you asked me out, and in a moment of panic, I said yes to both. I didn’t mean to do this. I will remain at home tonight.

**Ann:** ...

 

Ryuji nearly had a fucking heart attack at about this moment.

 

**Haru:** classic Ryuji

**Haru:** anyway, I’d be up for a threesome if y’all want

**Ann:** yeah me too lmao. what say you, Ryuji?

**Ryuji:** yes

 

Moral of the story: to be determined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this one got too sexual. There weren't really any other jokes I could make.
> 
> Also, this is the second mention of Akira's relationship with Futaba. This is going to be an ongoing thing, but I decided not to put it in the tags, because I don't want people clicking and expecting a romance story, and getting... whatever the hell this is.


End file.
